I was just eating dinner and thinking about all the foods I have been introduced to since moving to the Midwest. Food snobs, vegans, and purists might want to look away. Here we go:
1. MIRACLE WHIP: I never had this as a kid; we always went the Hellman's route (Best Foods for you Westerners, I think). Now my mom has transitioned to the "lite" Hellman's which tastes suspiciously like Elmer's glue. Then Miracle Whip walks into my life. It's got the tangy zip, people, and it's not that bad for you, if you ignore all the things you cannot pronounce and the extra sugar. Why is it not mayonnaise proper? God only knows. Let's not ask questions, but rather be thankful that it was created in "a patented emulsifying machine".
2. TATER TOTS: These form the crowning glory of Pat's family's hotdish recipe. They are so goddamned delicious, like little pieces of deep-fried heaven. I would have these every day if I could get away with it; I can't.
3. FRENCH DRESSING: I came from a homemade balsamic kind of family. Bottled dressings were off-limits unless they were made from soy and tasted like ass. Actually, I got French and Thousand Island mixed up until pretty recently. But French is delish! It's creamy but not super heavy like your Ranch or your Caesar. The color I do find somewhat off-putting (so orange!), but I'll get over it.
*Wikipedia just told me that French dressing is supposed to be vinaigrette in a "homogenized, pureed, uniform viscous" form. That is just wrong.
4. CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP: Not to eat on its own, of course, but to serve as the Lutheran binder that brings our hotdishes together. Thank you, Lord, for C of M and its mysterious deliciousness.
5. BUFFETS: I had never been to a buffet dining establishment until quite recently, unless you count a brunch buffet at a hotel and the like (I don't). At the Hometown Buffet, you pay up front and then go to town. I will be honest: I was underwhelmed with much of the savory options (the clientele is largely 65+, and the mushiness that characterizes much of the fare is thus to be expected), but the dessert buffet was pretty kickass. I would do this again. There has been talk of a Chinese buffet trip, but I am skeptical.
6. GREEN RIVER: Some sort of green "pop", as the Midwesterners would have it. This sounds terrifying but I will do it for science, as soon as I can find some.
7. SNICKERS IN A SALAD/MOUNTAIN DEW SALAD DRESSING: Crimes against a noble food. I was served Snickers bars in a salad by an Iowan, many years ago. The Mountain Dew salad dressing phenomenon has been confirmed by others, but not witnessed by me personally. I can't really imagine what this might taste like.
I really want to make the "vegetarian chili" featured in the Rosemount Catholic Church Cookbook that calls for, as its very first ingredient, 1 lb ground beef.
