I was just eating dinner and thinking about all the foods I have been introduced to since moving to the Midwest. Food snobs, vegans, and purists might want to look away. Here we go:
1. MIRACLE WHIP: I never had this as a kid; we always went the Hellman's route (Best Foods for you Westerners, I think). Now my mom has transitioned to the "lite" Hellman's which tastes suspiciously like Elmer's glue. Then Miracle Whip walks into my life. It's got the tangy zip, people, and it's not that bad for you, if you ignore all the things you cannot pronounce and the extra sugar. Why is it not mayonnaise proper? God only knows. Let's not ask questions, but rather be thankful that it was created in "a patented emulsifying machine".
2. TATER TOTS: These form the crowning glory of Pat's family's hotdish recipe. They are so goddamned delicious, like little pieces of deep-fried heaven. I would have these every day if I could get away with it; I can't.
3. FRENCH DRESSING: I came from a homemade balsamic kind of family. Bottled dressings were off-limits unless they were made from soy and tasted like ass. Actually, I got French and Thousand Island mixed up until pretty recently. But French is delish! It's creamy but not super heavy like your Ranch or your Caesar. The color I do find somewhat off-putting (so orange!), but I'll get over it.
*Wikipedia just told me that French dressing is supposed to be vinaigrette in a "homogenized, pureed, uniform viscous" form. That is just wrong.
4. CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP: Not to eat on its own, of course, but to serve as the Lutheran binder that brings our hotdishes together. Thank you, Lord, for C of M and its mysterious deliciousness.
5. BUFFETS: I had never been to a buffet dining establishment until quite recently, unless you count a brunch buffet at a hotel and the like (I don't). At the Hometown Buffet, you pay up front and then go to town. I will be honest: I was underwhelmed with much of the savory options (the clientele is largely 65+, and the mushiness that characterizes much of the fare is thus to be expected), but the dessert buffet was pretty kickass. I would do this again. There has been talk of a Chinese buffet trip, but I am skeptical.
6. GREEN RIVER: Some sort of green "pop", as the Midwesterners would have it. This sounds terrifying but I will do it for science, as soon as I can find some.
7. SNICKERS IN A SALAD/MOUNTAIN DEW SALAD DRESSING: Crimes against a noble food. I was served Snickers bars in a salad by an Iowan, many years ago. The Mountain Dew salad dressing phenomenon has been confirmed by others, but not witnessed by me personally. I can't really imagine what this might taste like.
I really want to make the "vegetarian chili" featured in the Rosemount Catholic Church Cookbook that calls for, as its very first ingredient, 1 lb ground beef.
3 comments:
Ok, fine: tater tots are delicious, and I think you should totally try the Chinese buffet. I frequented one in high school and would recommend it to any of the heartier-tummy sort.
But seriously...snickers? salad? mountain dew? That ain't right. Coke pork chops, maybe. Fried oreos, for sure. But mountain dew?
My roommates used to have steak-eating contests at the Chinese buffet on Marketview. My most carnivorous roommate always won, so the other two started handicapping him with ice cream, which he hates. I think the exchange rate was one sundae = 2 steaks. Also, the steaks are gray and look like carpet padding. Just so you know.
It's almost small-town carnival season, so your next Midwestern dining experience should be a funnel cake and a shaken lemonade, the kind with a silted layer of sugar in the bottom. It comes with a novelty cup'n'straw. Then you have to ride the pirate ship or the zipper and get way, way sick.
The vegetarian chili that calls for ground beef is a must. Let's show those vegetarians what they're missing, in a really sneaky sneaky way. And I agree with you about the tator tots. They are incredibly delicious, and really were the coup de grace of the hotdish that Pat made. I wish MY boyfriend made tator tots, all he makes are slow-cooked huge hunks of meat with various accoutrements.
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